1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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