first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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