Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
