she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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