I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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