You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
