So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
