What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
