I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
