1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
