Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
