well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
