I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
