Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
