Old men and throwing up are my life now.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
