i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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