I hate your face
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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