I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
