my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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