I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
