Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
