First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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