You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Randomize
