Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Randomize
