i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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