My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
