Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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