woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
