its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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