Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
