I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
