It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Randomize
