I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
