better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
