I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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