Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
