Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
