I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
