I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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