You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
