It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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