he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Randomize
