im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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