i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
