i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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