After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
