Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
