Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
