New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
