I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
